On the 12th Day of Christmas...

... this blogger gave to thee...

... twelve drummers drumming...
... eleven illustrated Instagrams...
... ten sassy soaps...
... nine creative weirdos...

... eight things I've loved...

... seven shoes to choose from...

... six party dresses...

... five gold rings!..

... four silly socks...

... three Etsy shops...

... two tuneful gizmos...

... and a great soup for cold winter days.

It's been a year since I started this post. This actually takes into account the fact that I'm a month late in posting it, because last year, in February, I made the decision to approach the 12th Day of Christmas a little differently from other years. The approach was instead of just listening to music throughout the year and relying on my memory to populate the track list, I made a list.

Every time I obsessed over a song, got one stuck in my head or couldn't stop playing it, I made a note, whether it was old or new, I did this every month and this gave me my not so short list. And this all officially started on February 28th of last year, as we were a few inches deep in snow, during a week of amber and red alerts for freezing cold winds from Siberia, as the Beast from the East, hit the UK and Europe.

Almost seems appropriate to end the run of posts sitting watching the snow, writing a list, and hopefully this will a better idea of my listening habits and the soundtrack of 2018 for me...

... except, I've been writing this post for more than a week. In fact I've been writing it since I published my last post and this, what I'm typing right now, is I think the fourth or fifth iteration. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard this year. It's editing a list of the music, that I've already populated throughout 2018, down to eighteen and then writing about why I picked them. Yet, I'm either rambling, over emotional and long winded, or I'm making an attempt at brevity and feeling unable to express why I gravitated towards a song for better reasons than, "I love it! It's great! It makes me feel good/sad but happy! I love the musician! It gives me the music feels! It has an amazing video!"

Instead, I've stared at my laptop, binge watched season one and two of American Crime Story; created a lucky dip for palette pot luck*; birthday shopped; birthday shopped with my gran; pre-birthday cooked so I get half a chance at spending some time with the birthday girl (mum); run around during a birthday and been distracted by saved up YouTube videos! But basically either I've tried to avoid writing during the day or failed to focus on it at night. I'm not even sure what tact to take next to get this post finished, but I feel like just sitting and babbling for a little bit and pointing out a song or two that resonated with me a lot this year is probably the next and safest option.

Because in 2018, I listened to a lot of music. I got obsessed by a lot of music, lots of which made it onto my playlist and a lot that didn't. Some of my favourite musicians released new music, there were some random and brilliantly done covers and a year long love affair started with one artist which garnered him five places on the ever growing list I needed to cut down. Cut down from forty two tracks to eighteen, so some songs I loved were going to get edited out, which sucked...

Which is why I'm not going too. You're getting the whole shebang!

(There are two songs missing, Track 7: Melania by Tom Rosenthal and Track 28: Using You by Mars Argo. Both are on the video playlist. Not too fussed about the latter, I'd considered removing it anyway, but you should watch Melania.)

Hogmanay 2017, I mostly spent in bed, attempting to get into a comfortable position because my back was still sore - it didn't right itself properly for a couple more months - so I didn't join my family during our traditional New Years movie night, where we inevitably choose the wrong movie to watch. By the bells, we usually switch to watching Jools Hollands Hootenanny, have a glass of something to welcome the New Year in, and complain about the fact that we can't stand Jools Holland. This year, that meant the first song I heard in 2018 was Here Comes The Girls by Trombone Shorty. That was a really good song to start the year with because it's so upbeat, which seeing I was in pain and not in the greatest of head spaces, was a really nice song to get stuck in my head.

In March I became genuinely obsessed by Watermelon. Tom Rosenthal, was a mainstay of 2018, creating both comedic and beautifully touching songs alike. Whether he's singing about Melania Trump, loneliness or Christmas, his songs and the videos he creates to accompany them, just seemed to seep into my brain. This is why Watermelon, had to feature in my playlist. It's catchy, ridiculous and funny, and I love it, and I love torturing my sisters with this glorious ear-worm. Seriously, I can't stop singing it and all I need to do is 3 seconds of the dance Rosenthal does in the video, whilst dressed as a giant watermelon (him not me), or give her an evil grin when we're talking about music, to get it into her head! I know I'm evil, but that's a siblings job right? {Mwhahaha!}

Such A Simple Thing by Ray Lamontagne, is, on the other hand, simply beautiful, and harks back to his first albums and the kind of music I love from him. It's the kind of music and tone of his singing, that gives me that happy, calm, slow heartbeat feeling, that I guess you would classify as a type of music chillls or ASMR** response. There are only a few musicians I get that from, and I was so happy when I heard it for the first time at the end of last March, I couldn't get it out of my head and I played it a hundred times in the first week.

I'm not going to say much about This is America, but I think we can all probably agree on the fact that whether you're a fan or not, that May 2018 was the month of Childish Gambino, because this song was a force to be reckoned with. I feel I would be amiss if I didn't point out just how much I was obsessed by this song.

On Netflix, there is a series called Schitt's Creek, a show I initially ignored and thought would be irritating. I couldn't have been more wrong. It's funny, ridiculous and yes, sometimes irritating, but it's also comforting and impossibly sweet at times.

For example, during an open mic night when Patrick (Noah Reid) expresses his love for David (Daniel Levy) by covering Simply The Best by Tina Turner. An odd choice, maybe, and you, like David, would be perfectly warranted to look at it sceptically, even with a little dread at the potential embarrassment... but you'd be wrong, it is the most stupidly romantic and lovely moment.

I love this cover. It's sweet, and lovely, and even though I know TV shows are scripted to manipulate their audience, and that they give us unrealistic expectations about love, I don't care. Doesn't everyone want someone, anyone, to look at you in that way, with that amount of love, just once? 

It has been eight years since James Blake released his first self-titled album. This was and still is one of my favourite albums (specifically the edition with the Enough Thunder EP tacked on the end) and he remains one of those musicians I wait eagerly for each new album to drop. Don't Miss It, is the first single Blake released from Assume Form, his fourth studio album and I was instantly sucked back into that sound that I loved so much from eight years ago. 

Part of my love for this is down to the video, which is a simple screen record of the songs lyrics being typed out on a note app. It sounds incredibly boring, but it makes the song read more like a diary entry, with spelling mistakes, edits and flow of consciousness. You can imagine him sitting writing this trying to get the thoughts out of his head and that really appeals.

Later in the list, Blake gets a second spot covering Don McLean's Vincent, so look forward to that because it's beautiful.

Old Friends by Ben Rector (featuring his high school band, Euromart) is a song YouTube recommended to me. I instantly became obsessed and played it over and over, mostly because it gave me all the feels, good and bad, about school. It makes me feel happy and sad and envious... which is a confusing feeling.

I've always felt like the third wheel. I know I had good friends, people I love to this day, but I always felt like I wasn't fully part of the group. But that says more about me than anyone else.

Thing about this song, is as sad as it makes me feel because of my self inflicted ostracisation, is how at the same time, it makes me feel happy and nostalgic for my friends from school and college. For the afternoons walking home and spending another hour chattering at the end street before actually going home; walking home from Battle of the Bands and singing Build Me Up Buttercup; singing loud in the car as we carpooled to uni or spoke in silly voices in the workshop; roller blading around the neighbourhood and sitting in the library hiding out from tutors with practically my whole class because our tutor was reading everyone the riot act... 

... Old Friends is the experience you want. If you have that, if you still have people in your life that shared them with you, you're very lucky.

The Hug Song by Colleen Ballinger and Erik Stoklin, isn't a song I would normally put on this list, but after I heard it, I couldn't get it out of my head, it's honestly so adorable. Known more as her YouTube character Miranda Sings, Ballinger asked her nephew Parker, how do you show someone that you love them, and Parker replied: "A heart, I give them a heart, I make them a heart with a pen, and they keep it in a hiding spot."

Taking Parker's reply Ballingers along with Erik Stocklin, her co-star from the Miranda Sings Netflix series Haters Back Off, turned it into the sweetest ukulele/piano duet. It's only made more adorable by the fact that the couple soon revealed that they had not only been hiding their relationship, but that they were expecting their first child (Flynn) and were engaged (now married). Their relationship was a huge topic of speculation among her fans, which was only compounded by the release of the video for The Hug Song and the the way the two were looking at one another.

I follow Ballinger on YouTube and personally find her really funny, though I understand why the Miranda Sings character can be very irritating. However, I find the way the couple are together really sweet and incredibly enviable, and this song even made me break out my ukulele. Guess I'm just being a sappy romantic, but I still can't get this silly little song out of my head.

Time in a Tree by Raleigh Ritchie is the first song of his for a couple of year that I've been really obsessed by. The song, in video form, sees the singer in a lift, re-experiencing his life as it stops on each floor from childhood, through adolescence, his teens, the highs and lows of fame and beyond, and feeling the need for both support in, and peace and quite from life:

"'Time In A Tree' is about needing some peace. Some respite, some time away from your own mind. The ways that you can get in your own way on the way to those things. It's about the fear of not being deserving of happiness, or that you're not doing enough to get the kind of happiness you want. It's about needing validation and confirmation that you're loved and supported when you're struggling. It's about needing time in a tree, like a kid - off the ground and halfway in the sky." (Raleigh Ritchie on Time in a Tree for Clash)

It's a very familiar feeling expressed it a song I could and have listened too over and over again...

Damocles, is a commoner who switches places with King Dionysius for a day, after pointing out how fortunate his king was compared to him. Accepting this proposal, he becomes King and enjoys the spoils this gives. However, King Dionysius arranges for a sword to be hung above the throne, suspended by a single strand of hair from a horses tail, to mimic the constant feeling of fear, anxiety and danger that the King - who had many enemies - felt daily. Damocles soon begged the King for the switch to end and for him to be allowed to go back to his normal life, realising that though with this high position you gain fame, power and fortune, these were often outweighed by the fear of responsibility.

Rufus Wainwright - a mainstay of the 12th Day over the last few years - wrote his interpretation of The Sword of Damocles, to President Trump during the midterm elections in the United States. It was intended as a parable on the fact that with great power comes great responsibility and the parallels between Trumps rise to power and the 4th Century story of Damocles. The songs video, which features Wainwright as King Dionysius and Darren Criss as Damocles, sees the latter sitting alone with the sword handing perilously above his head, before leaving the word "Vote" on a black screen, as encouragement to the viewer to go and register to vote, and have a say as to who is or isn't in power...

I'm not going to say anything about politics given the ridiculous mess the UK has gotten itself into with the whole Brexit debacle.

Something consistent in Rosenthal's work - this being the fourth of five tracks on this list - is the creativity of his videos and the mood they create alongside the music. Whether it's dancing like a watermelon, trudging through snow wearing fairy lights or creating tension by not having people hug, I will admit that I didn't truly start enjoying his music until I started watching the accompanying videos, but sometimes having a visual helps get across the emotion that the song has. How Have You Been? is exactly that, a mixture of stop motion and traditional animation in which a character, whose job it is to bring people calm and peaceful dreams (based on the idea of the Sandman and Hypnos, the Greek God of sleep) is himself living with depression and loneliness. Eventually, he is joined by another character, nicknamed Shadow by Rosenthal and Heather Colbert - the videos director, and Hypnos is given the contact with another being that he needs to survive. It's so beautiful, in both appearance, sound and sentiment that I teared up a little the first time I watched it. It's incredibly touching.

 I'll Still Have Me by CYN aka Cynthia Nabozny, is this sweet and honest song about relationships ending, whether by choice or the inevitability of time. It's not sad, despite its subject matter, it's warm and positive and Nabozny creates the feeling that everything's going to be okay even though you're sad, because it was good while it lasted and you still have the memory. It helps that it reminds me of Keaton Henson a little, because of the sliding sound between each guitar note, which I always find such an attractive sound. I just really like this song, and that's the point of this list, it's stuff I like.

The penultimate song on the list is When The Party's Over by Billie Eilish, which is sort of fitting. I got completely obsessed by this song over the latter end of the year - though I forgot to write it down like a dummy. Luckily I noticed!

I didn't know who Billie Eilish was before seeing a thumbnail for the music video, in which you see a girl with blue hair, in a white room, with black liquid pouring from her eyes. I clicked on the video out of curiosity, but I was instantly hooked. It's this haunting and emotive song which gives over a feeling of loss and sadness even more when watched alongside the video. However, according to Eilish, it's not a sad song:

"It’s like, 'I’ll call you when the party’s over,' you’re on the phone with someone and you can’t hear them, they can’t hear you, it’s loud, they’re mad at you for some reason. I feel like everybody’s had that struggle with someone – somebody on the phone yelling for some reason, and you’re just like, 'You know what? Fucking leave me alone.'"

(Interview + Photo Diary: Billie Eilish X Laneway, 2018, by Rose Riddle for Coup De Main Magazine)

To me though, it's the end of the night, on those rare occasions I've been out with friends in the past - something I'm bad at, it just makes me feel anxious and out of place - and despite the fact that I've had fun, the feeling of being out of my comfort zone starts to creep over me as I've driven home, and that feeling of inadequacy and loneliness rise back up. It's something you try and fool yourself into feeling okay about, but you're not, and even though you've said you'll talk to everyone soon, there's just as big a chance I'll disappear again and that'll be it.

Despite that, I love this song, it's beautiful and I'm excited to listen to more of Eilish's music. Plus, there have been a couple of covers which appeared pre-2019 which are also worth listening too. The first is by Kina Grannis, in my opinion the queen of the cover, and her version is this beautifully soft cover that I expect from Grannis, the other is by YouTuber Abbey Glover, and in some respects her cover gets across that feeling of pain and and anguish even more pointedly that the original. It's full of emotion and I think I've listened to it almost as much as the original, so I've included both after the track on the video playlist because I think I owe you all some extras!

 Lastly is Haim covering That Don't Impress Me Much by Shania Twain for Like A Version, a segment on triple j, an Australian radio station aimed at younger listeners, in which musicians perform covers of other acts... so essentially the Aussie version of Radio 1's Live Lounge. This came out mid 2017, but this is the song I listened to on repeat as I dressed the Christmas tree and was the last song I heard before it was officially Christmas. I was feeling the need for something really happy and potentially nostalgic and who doesn't remember Shania Twain in that ridiculous leopard print outfit? Oh, yeah, probably a lot of people born after 1999 when this song was released in the UK...

... I suddenly feel very old.

Haim singing this iconic song however makes it cool and modern though, right? I don't have to go back to listening to the original just because I was born in the eighties do I? Because I really freaking love this cover!

Either way, this as I said was the song I listened too while dressing the Christmas tree and preceded the sound of Noddy Holder screaming "IT'S CHRISTMAS!", which has been the official marker for the start of Christmas in my household for many years now. That came from the loudspeaker hidden in Santa's sleigh as he drove around our town collecting money for charity, another tradition in our town, and that seems like a very long time ago now.

So that's the list, more than twice as long as it should be, and more than a month late. It's actually scary that Christmas seems so long ago, given it's barely over a month since the house was strewn with fairy lights and glittery ornaments, we had a tree in the living room and were running around like headless chickens trying to get things ready in time. We've even started talking about next years Christmas window for the practice and I've already drawn plans, which is just insane.

Can I just say now, thank you so much to anyone who has beared with me to the end of 2018/19's 12 Days of Christmas. I realise I've taken my sweet time about it this year, been a little sad and down at times during my posts (okay, a lot), and probably had several mini breakdowns during them as I've attempted to be honest and explain some of the crap that's been going on in my head, for not just the last year, but probably the last ten or more.

I'm the kind of person who bottles things up and hides. I've cut myself out of all my friends lives because I didn't want to make them hate me or bring them down, then stayed away because I'm embarrassed that my life is how it is. One friend has reached though thanks to these posts, and I am so grateful and love her for that - always have loved her, even when we had fights or stopped talking for year on end. And I will force myself into getting in touch, it may just take me a while to get the courage.

Confidence and courage are two things I lack completely. If I've ever had them, I'm not sure, but being honest and a little bit more open over the past twelve posts has helped in taking away a little bit of the stress from everything that's been going on in my head. It's giving me a distraction and somewhere that I can vent. And now once these posts are officially up and over with, that's when thing really need to start. I can't let myself put things off. Where I'm to start, I don't know. But I need to start somewhere.

I do hope you've enjoyed these 12 Days posts, even if it's just to look at the pictures and you've ignored my rambling, and it has been rambling! I've had more saves on this years than I think I have ever had before, and people really seemed to like the posts where I highlighted some Etsy and Instagram accounts, so that's something I may, as I find people, post through the year or save for next year. I would like to start posting outwith the 12 Days again, maybe monthly, maybe randomly, but I think it would be good for to stop being scared to even write on here.

Anyway, I need to stop typing, finish editing, get the last images and links*** inserted and get this bloody thing posted! But whatever day or time it is you're reading this, let's pretend it's drinkies time - 5 o'clock by my grandpa's watch - and raise a glass (tea, coffee, gin, whatever) and wish everyone a Happy New Year one last time, and good luck for 2019. Or just raise a glass and make a wish, because fuck it, whether you're five or ninety five, making a little wish in your head can't hurt... but if you're five:

NO DRINKING! HAND THE BOOZE BACK TO AN ADULT AND GO GET A JUICE BOX!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Love, Emily xxx

* It isn't original, but Palette Pot Luck, is my way of trying to use more of my eye shadow palettes as part of my Project Pan. I numbered them, put the numbers in a tub, then each month I'll pull a couple out and I have to use them exclusively for a month. This month I have all metallic's, a palette with a crap ton of fallout and a quad I knew I loved and may make the other two workable. If my eye makeup's good this month, it may be a miracle! 

**  I've linked a couple of web pages about the difference/similarities between music chills and ASMR response, however if you aren't aware, ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, which means some people get a happy, tingling sensation when they experience stimuli such as whispering or ambient noises produced while eating, moving, crinkling or crunching noses. It's more involved than that, so if you're curious, Google!

*** OH MY GOD! Adding all the links to each artist and any extras has taken me about 4 hours and while doing it I realised that I have a couple of typos in my images, so I have to fix those now too! So if I've missed any I apologise. I swear I've got more white hairs now than when I started, and it's getting harder and harder to think of them as hair tinsels and not a sign of stress and age!

Link || Trombone Shorty || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1|2)

Link || Cinematic Orchestra || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || Spotify || iTunes

Link || Sophie Ellis-Bextor || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes

Link || Ida Maria || Website || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes

Link || Bon Iver || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes

Link || Tom Rosenthal || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1|2|3)

Link || Ray Lamontagne || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || City & Colour || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Janelle Monáe || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)

Link || Childish Gambino || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1 - by John Biehler)
Link || Noah Reid || Website || Instagram || Twitter || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || The Lonely Island || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Year & Years || Website || Instagram || Twitter  || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || James Blake || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1|2)
Link || Ben Rector || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || Villagers || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Colleen Ballinger || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify  || iTunes (1|2)
Link || Panic! At the Disco || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Tessa Violet || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || No Rome || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || Chance The Rapper || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Lil Dicky || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || The 1975 || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Rag'n'Bone Man || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Raleigh Ritchie || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes  (1)
Link || Mars Argo || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || iTunes
Link || Elohim || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Florence + The Machine || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Andy Hull & Robert McDowell (Manchester Orchestra) || Website || Instagram (Hull) || Twitter (Hull) || Facebook || YouTube (Swiss Army Man) || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || Poppy Ackroyd || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || Rufus Wainwright || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || CYN || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || Kodaline || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes
Link || First Aid Kit || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify  || iTunes (1)
Link || Billie Eilish || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1)
Link || HAIM || Website || Instagram || Twitter || Facebook || YouTube || Spotify || iTunes (1|2)

..................................................................................
Link || How similar are ASMR tingles and music chills? by DR Richard via ASMR University
Link || Getting Chills When You Listen To Music [...] by Jaclyn Anglis via First For Women
Link || Janelle Monáe’s Latest Video Is More Than Just an Explicit Ode to Queer Sex by Matt Keeley via Hornet
Link || Childish Gambino's 'This is America' And The New Shape of Protest Music by Jason Parham via Wired
Link || TODAY’S SONG: [...] CYN’S “I’LL STILL HAVE ME” by Adrian Vargas via Atwood Magazine

Link || The Sword of Damocles via Wikipedia

Link || Interview + Photo Diary: Billie Eilish x Laneway 2018 by Rose Riddle via Coup de Main

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Listening: Giant - Calvin Harris & Rag'n'Bone Man